What Did I Do Wrong?

Many parents feel guilty after they realize that their child or family is experiencing some important emotional upset and is in need of professional help. At such times a parent may think, "What did I do wrong?" Other parents may feel that their youngster's problems are, in large part, caused by something their spouse has or hasn't done.

Guilt and blame are quite common, but they rarely lead to any constructive action. It is neither helpful nor accurate for parents to blame themselves for their child's problems. Emotional problems arise for a variety of reasons and conditions over which parents have little or no control, such as the temperament of a child, or a youngster's reaction to external events such as a death in the family.

Parents do not have the power to make their children sick, just as they do not have the power to make their children become doctors or astronauts. Parents do, however, have the responsibility to seek help if they suspect something is wrong that is beyond their ability to handle or resolve.

Consider Your Child's Temperament

Parents who come into close contact with tiny infants other than their own, or have more than one child themselves, know that no two babies are alike. From birth, infants respond uniquely to hunger, noise, cold, wetness, etc. Even if handled very similarly by the adults who care for them, children react and cope differently.

The explanation for these differences in style lies in each child's inborn temperament. This is a child's main pattern of functioning. Temperament represents a statement of the basic style which characterizes a person's behavior, whether child or adult.

We do not mean to imply that a child's inborn characteristics alone determine his or her behavior. There is never just one reason for any behavior, and we suggest that it is determined by interaction between many factors — one of which is the child's temperament.

There are nine aspects of behavior that can be seen as "making up" a child's temperament and that are noticeable from an early age.

1. Activity level: Is your child content to stay in one place for a while, or is he or she constantly in motion?

2. Regularity in biological functions: Is there a pattern to your child's sleeping, eating and toileting routines?

3. Approach or withdrawal as a characteristic response to a new situation: Does your child love to go to new places or feel uncomfortable?

4. Adaptability to change in routine: Does your child have a hard time when nap time must be rescheduled or does he or she fall right into a new routine?

5. Level of sensory threshold: Do bright lights and loud noises bother your child or is he or she oblivious?

6. Positive or negative mood: In general does your child wake up in a sunny mood or a bad mood?

7. Intensity of response: Does your child usually howl when upset or merely fret? Does he or she laugh out loud when pleased or just smile?

8. Distractibility: Does your child have trouble concentrating when something else is going on in the room?

9. Persistence and attention span: Does your child stay with one task for long or short periods? Does he or she usually go back to the task if he or she is interrupted?

Why are we including this information? Because we suspect that since you picked up this pamphlet, you may have some worries about your child. We think that knowing about temperament can be important for parents who may think parenting alone will determine, or already has determined, the growth and development of their child's personality. Taking temperament into account, it is easier to see that certain children with "difficult" temperaments would be harder for any parent to raise.

Research has shown that a certain combination of characteristics results in a child who is "difficult." These children:

• Are irregular in their biological functions (eating, sleeping, toileting); you never know how long they'll sleep or when they'll eat.
• Respond negatively to new situations; they rarely want to go someplace new no matter how exciting or pleasant.
• Are slow to change; they don't like furniture moved, new clothes or a new schedule.
• Express their moods intensely; never a smile; always a laugh; never a whimper, always a howl.
• Are often negative or in a "bad mood."

You can see how this child might be difficult to parent. This information may help parents to know that their child is not acting this way on purpose or because the parents have not raised him or her right. Parents can also use this information to alter their child-rearing practices, keeping in mind that different measures may be necessary in dealing with children of different temperaments.

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