Philadelphia Community Services for Children and Adolescents

Introduction

From a Parent's Perspective

by Joyce Robin Borden

What is it like to have a child with emotional problems? What is it like to be the parent of a child who, from an early age, always seemed to require more? A child who was noticed, but often for negative reasons. A child whose school, from nursery school on, continually suggested conferences. A child whose years in elementary school were marked by frequent contact with principals, teachers, and counselors. A child who seemed to be almost, but never quite, okay.

There was denial on my part as friends gave me articles on hyperactivity, learning disabilities, and emotional problems, and teachers hinted at special classes. There has been an endless process of trying to do the "right" thing: getting one more job to afford the "right" school or the "right" therapist and spending weeks, months, and years on a quest. The process included striving for some undefined ideal of family life or at least an approximation of this ideal so my child finally would be okay. And the process continued because what I thought would make the difference never made enough of a difference; my child never stayed on a even keel for more than a month or two at a time.

I thought that the fault was mine, and I would just have to try harder. I felt guilty because my child did not follow the course of "normal" children, frustrated because I couldn't find the "magic" that would make it better, angry because none of the experts seemed to be able to help, impotent because it didn't seem to matter what any of us did, and more recently, sad - because my child had needed to live apart from me to get the help he needed - and worried -because I wonder what his adult life will be like.

Over the years, there were good times and bad times. At different times my house was a battleground. My child has been depressed, angry, and often out of control. At times he would stare at me with what we would somewhat jokingly call "that look" and I would wonder what had become of my little boy! At other times he was full of remorse and expressed great bewilderment at his behavior. I felt helpless, pained by his apparent distress and unable to find any solutions.

Over time, I have pieced together a great deal of information about myself and my child. I think I have come to know both of us very well and for that I thank those professionals with whom I established a good working relationship. With this knowledge I have learned to evaluate information and trust my observations. This has been important because there have been so many different pronouncements about us by psychiatrists, psychologists, teachers, social workers, and public agency workers.

My child has attended many different special education programs; he has also been hospitalized and in residential treatment facilities for long-term treatment. He has been labeled "learning disabled with emotional problems" and "severely emotionally disturbed with no specific learning problems." I have been told his future is bleak and, at other times, that he can have a productive life. I have been criticized for being over-involved and doing too much, as well as reproached for being under-involved and not trying hard enough. I have been blamed for the "failures" at home, school, and community by some, and praised for good parenting by others. I have been treated with respect, as well as patronized and ignored.

I have learned some very important things from these varied experiences.

I know that I will encounter resistance from some professionals. Even though most professionals express a wish to have parents involved in the child's treatment process, many are uncomfortable when this happens. Rarely have I been acknowledged as a valuable resource; therefore, we have often wasted months waiting while each new professional discovered for himself what I had observed and related to him much earlier.

I know, however, that I am one of the best resources for my child. I have been the only constant factor in his treatment for a long time and can provide information, insight, and continuity that can come from no other source. I steel myself against the subtle and not-so-subtle accusations of blame and failure. I stay involved, ask questions, and am a vocal advocate for my child.

Finally, and most important, I have learned that "it was not my fault." I know that I was not the only influence in my child's development, so now I accept responsibility for those things that are within my control and no longer assume responsibility for all the other factors that have influenced my child.

My son and I continue to struggle with difficult issues, and his future is unpredictable. But our sense of humor and basic caring continue to carry us through the troublesome times.

From an Educator's Perspective

Who do we blame? What good does it do?

By Barry Haddle

It seems to be an ingrained part of human nature to look for someone to blame whenever anything goes wrong. This is especially true whenever something goes wrong with a child. Parents blame teachers, teachers blame parents, and they both blame administrators. Even if it were possible to establish blame, what good would it do the child?

The people who suffer most from this blame-seeking are the parents of children with emotional and behavior disorders.

Whenever a child has an obvious physical handicap, few people are insensitive enough to suggest that the parents are at fault. No one says to the parents of a blind child, "If you had raised him properly, he would not be blind." Most people would have more respect for the feelings of the parents of a severely retarded child than to blame them for their child's affliction.

We have compassion for these parents and their children. We try to help if we can. The parents of children with mental and emotional handicaps, however, are fair game for all.

They must listen to remarks such as: "If he were my child, I'd make him listen!" "The only thing that girl needs is a good spanking!" "He's just lazy; you've got to make him learn!" "What kind of parents would raise a kid like that?" and so on. I'm certain that many more examples could be given by parents who have been the victims of such cutting remarks.

Consider the plight of these parents. They often blame themselves. Consumed with guilt, they ask themselves, "What have I done wrong?" In desperation, they seek help from "professionals." They go from agency to agency, all professing to help troubled children. They read book after book written by "experts." They receive counseling and attend seminars. Many spend their savings in a fruitless effort to "find a cure." A few lucky ones do get help, but the success rate is dismally low. For the unlucky majority, the feeling of hopelessness increases as they see little improvement despite all their efforts. Many see a future full of heartache and little hope.

The parents do not need the additional punishment brought on by callous remarks made by others.

The blame-seekers never explain how parents of troubled children can also have "good" children. If the parents were always to blame, this would never happen.

Rather than looking for someone to blame, we should all work together to see that the necessary resources are allocated to conduct research and find solutions to these problems. I do not mean that we need more people to invent half-baked theories so that they can write books and conduct lectures. These do nothing more than enrich authors by preying on the desperation of parents willing to try anything.

We need legitimate research by scientists. We need answers about how the mind really works and how it is influenced by body chemistry. Such research, of course, is being done, but not on a scale that bears any relationship to the magnitude of the problem. We need a research program to improve the quality of human life that has the scope of the Manhattan Project.

The whole country would benefit and many presently unhappy parents and children would be eternally grateful.

(Mr. Haddle, the author of this article, is the retired principal of the Ferndale Elementary School in Johnstown, Pennsylvania and director of special education for the Ferndale area. "Who Do We Blame? What Good Does It Do?" was reprinted by permission from the Exceptional Parent magazine. It appeared in the magazine's December 1982 issue. No further reproduction is allowed without express permission from the magazine.)